Top 10 Things To Tell Your Son About Midlife (Survival Guide)
Having a son can be one of the most confusing, exhausting, and frustrating challenges of motherhood. Sometimes boys can be so loud, dirty, and smelly. Not to mention on the verge of destroying your house at any moment. But they can also be one of our greatest gifts too. Especially when they look us in the eyes and tell us with all their heart and soul, “I love you, Mom.”
My menopause rhapsody has been tough to manage. I didn’t expect to have to explain signs and symptoms of perimenopause to my 11-year-old son so soon after we just talked about periods and where babies come from. Yet, I feel like I owe it to him - the opportunity to educate and share my Awakening and menopause journey in such a way that maybe when he grows up and either chooses to partner with a woman or works in the company of one, he won’t be so confused or out of touch. Maybe he’ll remember menopause and midlife for women as just a normal phase of life, part of her journey. And maybe then, he’ll remember me and be grateful I gave him this survival guide.
Pay Attention
From puberty through childbearing years, women get more attention. They get recognized, remembered, complimented - they get noticed. For some reason though, midlife is the time when all that dries up and goes away. Doors get slammed in our faces. Opportunities to advance shrink. And compliments come less from men and only more from other women in our age circuit.
It’s bullshit, isn’t it?
Well then, don’t be that guy. Don’t forget that every wrinkle was earned and has a story. Every gray hair represents a wild streak. And all the media’s sex-appeal in youth and childbearing years, is only as marketable as your money allows. So, don’t support it.
Don’t be the atypical man of 40 or 50 or 60 that’s so hellbent on making the next young starlet shine that you forget about all the beautiful stars that have been around a little longer. Believe it or not, those are the stars that actually know how and when to shine brightest.
Make me proud by being the guy that remembers to hold the door for that 50+ lady. Compliment her silver mane. Ask her questions. Learn from her story. I guarantee it’s way more interesting, funny, and sexy than that of a fresh out of college drama queen. Midlife women aren’t interested in impressing you or gaining your affections. They’re interested in living life and leaving their mark. Pay attention and learn how you can do the same.
2. Be Prepared
How many times did I used to ask you if you finished your homework? Studied for a test? Packed your suitcase? I asked if you were prepared right? Well, learning about a woman’s reproductive system is kind of similar. They aren’t foreign or taboo. Neither are hormones. They’re cyclic, normal phases of a woman’s life, and deserve your time and attention - especially near her midlife.
Remember when we talked about puberty and girls starting their periods? That was simple math - an approximately 28-day menstrual cycle. Menopause, on the other hand, is different. During midlife the signs of perimenopause and symptoms of menopause (or symptoms of premature menopause) aren’t as clear cut or obvious.
Her cycle changes due to the drop in hormones (estrogen and progesterone).
Her priorities and focus changes when having a baby or child-rearing aren’t at the top of her day-to-day anymore.
Her perception of life and the imminence of death might motivate her to change her current environment or habits to fulfill her purpose and passions.
All of this is normal though. It’s part of her journey and if you really love her or give a damn about the future of your relationship with her, you’ll take the time to be prepared and learn as much as you can about this phase of her life. The sooner you ask the tough questions, the sooner she’ll see just how invested you are in her and her well-being and not just finding out what’s in it for you. Trust her. Trust your conscious. And know that this too shall pass…
“By failing to prepare you are preparing to fail.”
3. Listen
You know what a woman hates more than a mansplainer? An Unsolicited problem-solver.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret of understanding the tangled web of a woman’s mind:
You know what a woman hates more than a mansplainer? An unsolicited problem-solver.
During midlife, she might want to talk and tell you everything that’s on her mind - her fears, rage, sorrows, and joys - but ultimately, she’s not interested in your solutions to her problems. She might just want to be her own hero; slay her own damn dragons. And she might just need a soundboard - someone to listen.
If you’re lucky enough to be the guy she wants to bounce her ideas off of, I recommend you tread lightly before shelling out all the feedback and thoughts that come to mind. Ask her if she wants you to listen or contribute your thoughts to the conversation. Otherwise, learn the art of shutting up and being an ear, not a pie hole.
4. Let Go
By midlife, women are either on a mission to or have already figured themselves out. They don’t need a project. They need a partner. And maybe you thought she’d always be a certain way, work a certain job, love a certain thing. But people change. Women change. And yes, she is changing. You have to let go of the image or box you expected her to be for all her days in your life.
She isn’t perfect. Neither are you. But if you let go of unrealistic expectations and truly see her for who she is - a passionate, loving, freeing spirit - I guarantee you’ll be thanking me for this memo later. She’ll show you some pretty cool things about herself, and possibly some wild ways to reinvent your relationship if you’re willing to drop the reigns and ride passenger for a bit.
if you let go of unrealistic expectations and truly see her for who she is - a passionate, loving, freeing spirit - I guarantee you’ll be thanking me for this memo later on.
5. Communicate
Truth? We want to hear about your feelings - your fears and insecurities. Not because we want to whittle you down to a weak stick though. We want to know the real you. The other human we’ve invited into our circle.
Be honest with her about your feelings. Maybe you’re afraid she’ll leave or need professional help. Either way, you can’t bullshit this time. You have to be real.
No matter how your relationship has been up until this point, showing up and talking now is what counts most. Be true to yourself. Be true to your partner or friend. Talk about everything. Especially the hard stuff. In the words of Tom Hanks (from the movie that came out way before you were born but you should watch anyway, A League of Their Own):
“If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. It’s the hard that makes it great.”
6. Remind her why
Why do you care so much? Why do you love her? She probably forgot a lot about herself over the course of too many decades dedicated to serving the needs of others. Now, she needs to be reminded why the hell you’re still around.
Was it her mind? Her voice? Or just her jaw-dropping badassery that roped you in?
Remind her. Make her feel it in her bones. Then, after you tell her, speak her love language and show her…
There’s fire in her. If loved correctly, she’ll warm your home. But if abused, she’ll burn it down.
7. give her space
Most of menopause and midlife shifts have little to do with you exclusively. It’s more about a woman taking stock of her choices and decisions up until this point. She’s reviewing what works and what doesn't. Either way, she needs to figure some shit out on her own and you standing in her way or trying to reason with her every time she turns around isn’t going to help.
Step aside and let your wild woman run. It’s a beautiful sight to see and you’ll be lucky if you get this once in a lifetime opportunity up close and personal. Sit back, watch, and learn. It might just bring you closer together rather than drive you further apart.
“The greatest gift you can give someone is the space to be his or herself, without the threat of you leaving.”
8. Look In the mirror
I’m not going to lie to you and say some things she might say won’t be hard to process. They might hurt your feelings or surprise you to hear them for the first time. But the truth is, what she says now, she’s probably been wanting to say for a long time.
Reflect on her words.
Are they accurate?
Have you changed over the years?
Would you change if your relationship depended on it?
She’s assessing what’s around her - people, environment, career, and things. She knows not everything is going to go with her on her journey. So, she has to decide: What does she want to pack? What does she want to wear? And what does she want to get rid of?
If you’re a partner or even a small part of her life, you have a choice to make too. Are you willing to stick by her or are you going to tuck tail and run? Look in the mirror and make that decision now. The health and wealth of your future relationship will depend on it.
the truth is, what she says now, she’s probably been wanting to say for a long time.
9. be patient
In most cases, she doesn’t want you to leave even if it seems precisely the opposite. But if you love her, you’ll be there to support her no matter what. That’s what makes you a man - sticking it out through the good and bad, easy and hard.
If you think this sucks for you, you should imagine how she’s feeling: uncertain, frustrated, emotionally drained. Trust me, it’s no picnic on her side of the ring either.
But this isn’t a forever thing. It’s not a done deal where the warm and loving woman you knew has vanished and left a cold hearted emotional-killer in her midst. It’s just a blip in time. A period in your relationship that requires skill, love, compassion, and patience - a lot of devoted patience.
Midlife isn’t a done deal where the warm and loving woman you knew has vanished and left a cold hearted emotional-killer in her midst.
10. Ask your mother
I’m not perfect. I’ve made a ton of mistakes. And as you’ve grown you’ve gotten to see the cranky, impatient, hormonal, sleep deprived mom that’s struggled with menopause and midlife much earlier than either of us expected. But that’s okay. Even though I sometimes feel like a top candidate for Worst Mother of the Year, I know in my heart I’m doing my best.
When you have questions, I’m here.
When you feel confused and lost in your relationships, I’m here.
And when you’re struggling with understanding the lesser fun aspects of women, I’m here.
I won’t lie to you. I won’t bullshit you. And I probably won’t let you off the hook with a simple explanation like “it’s a woman thing” or “you wouldn’t understand.”
I love you. Always. I believe in you, your sensitivity, and your ability to understand complexities in another gender. But if you’re afraid to ask her, I’m right here ready to share as much as I can - though I’ll still probably encourage you to talk to her in the end.
You’re grown.
And talking with your heart - not your head - is one of the big differences Between a boy And a man…
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