Top 10 Midlife Questions To Ask A Sex Shop

menopauseentertainmenttop 10midlifelifestylesex

Dec 8

Written By Tera Johnson-Swartz

Special guest, Gretchen Leigh, from She Bop, women-owned sex toy boutique in Portland, Oregon, has been a great resource answering questions and supporting sexual empowerment for every body. it’s been exciting to learn that sex doesn’t have to be “over” come menopause.

Hell, for some, midlife might just mean, you’ve only just begun…

Thanks Gretchen!

Click Here To Learn More About She Bop!

Gretchen Leigh, She Bop’s Education Coordinator

What made Evy Cowan and Jeneen Doumitt want to start She Bop (2009)? Did they receive any backlash in their communities, family, or friend circles when they decided to open such a new (and improved) adult store?

Evy Cowan and Jeneen Doumitt opened She Bop in November of 2009 with the objective of creating an adult boutique specializing in non-toxic body-safe toys, exceptional books, and quality sensuality products. You’d have to ask them directly about any backlash, but overwhelmingly we’ve been met with community support over the years! Any issues that have arisen from being a sex-positive business in a culture that regards what we offer as “taboo” have been overshadowed greatly by the positive response and encouragement of our community. We love that we have become a friendly neighborhood store with robust partnerships across town and across the country - we just so happen to be a sex toy shop!

2. There are a lot of mixed messages about how sex drive changes through the years - particularly for women over 40 - do you find most of your customers are of a certain age group or more diverse than one would think?

Yes! We have customers across a wide spectrum of ages, and everyone’s needs and experiences are vastly different. We are open to everyone 18 or older, and on a given day we see customers ranging from college students to retired folks, some of whom are buying their first toy ever and some who are adding to their already impressive collection! We are glad to welcome customers of all ages and pride ourselves on having something for everybody.

3. What are some misconceptions or myths you hear customers or bystanders say about sexual exploration and menopause? Do you have some great tips or resources to help midlifers reignite, maintain, or discover that spark?

Some common misconceptions we hear are that menopause means no more libido, pain with penetration, or decreased sensation. The biggest myth of all is that if you’re experiencing any of those things, you can no longer experience awesome pleasure!

The truth is, there are always ways to find pleasure, even if they take a little exploration and re-learning, and no two bodies react the same way to hormonal and age-related changes.

A great place to start is investing in a solid lubricant that works well with your body chemistry and can offer your body some moisture for delicate tissue.

Vibrators that offer strong and steady stimulation can also be a great option. We recommend the book What Fresh Hell is This? for even more information all about menopause by one of our favorite educators, Heather Corinna.

4. When you have a new customer enter your shop (or explore online), what are some ways you help a newbie (especially one over the age of 40) ease into the idea of checking out some new material, products, or classes?

The best way to find out what you like is to be open to trying new things! We suggest people think about what they have tried before, and ask themselves the question, “what’s one thing that could make that even better?” Maybe it’s a slightly bigger toy, a slightly stronger sensation, more lubrication, or something else entirely. Starting with your own experience and building on it can be a great way to ease in.

Check Out She Bop's Virtual Classes

5. Figures range depending on the study, but it's been reported only 50-70% of women (or people with vaginas) are able to reach orgasm regularly - some even never. In those situations, what do you recommend individuals do - take a class, speak to a sex therapist, try specific products, etc.?

The great news is, there are so many routes someone can take to understand their own bodies and relationship to orgasm better! And, like most things in the field of sexuality, each person is different. We definitely recommend talking to an expert if there’s something you’re looking to experience that you haven’t yet or struggle to.

One easy way to hear from an expert, is to attend one of our classes taught by a sexuality professional! We host a number of classes each month on all kinds of topics, many that may be relevant to someone in this situation.

There are also many local sex coaches and therapists who specialize in topics just like this. For some, it’s more about finding the right tool for the job - in which case, we can absolutely help you narrow down the options in the shop and find something you’re excited about.

6. Some say sex for women over 40 can become more satisfying, do you find more women during midlife and menopause are more direct with their desires and exploration? Do you have a team of experts specifically tailored to that age demographic?

It’s definitely a great theory that people in midlife and menopause are more direct with their needs and desires! I have seen this to be true in some cases - it’s always awesome when we have customers who know their own bodies with confidence and who have done enough exploring already to know what they might need or want next.
I’ve heard this attributed to growing out of peer pressure or fear of stigma and becoming more comfortable with themselves as they age. Confidence and openness can totally help get past barriers to pleasure, regardless of your age!

7. If we learn anything with age, it's "looks aren't everything" and "beauty is only skin deep," but let's be honest, sex and many products in shops are tailored to the visual appetites - apparel, lingerie, etc. Does she bop have specific outfits or types of apparel that complement women who's curves may be less - err, how do I say - perky?

She Bop doesn’t carry apparel or lingerie, but we definitely recommend folks find a local shop they love, go try things on in person if they can, and find an outfit that helps them feel like their sexiest self!

8. Weak pelvic floors are a real thing, especially for those who've given birth and haven't been so on-point with practicing their kegals. What types of products or classes do you recommend to your customers to help them combat pelvic issues? Do you work with or have a physical therapist you'd recommend?

One thing to know is that a leak doesn’t mean “weak!” All too often, one’s pelvic floor is too tight, too active, and then those muscles don’t have the full range of motion they need to react reflexively to something like a jump or a sneeze.
Knowing that aches and pains and leaks and surprises can happen no matter what the state of your pelvic floor musculature, we definitely recommend that people seek out an awesome pelvic floor physical therapist with the help of their doctor if they’re experiencing notable symptoms.
*Depending on what’s going on with an individual, we carry many options for combatting pelvic issues!*
*From dilators for help opening up to kegel balls to help with squeezing and strengthening, we definitely have something to help.*

9. If you had to recommend one class to midlifers to signup for - that "one" sex-life altering course that'll send their body into earthquaking overdrive, what would it be and why?

Oh no, it’s so hard to pick just one! I’ll go with my gut instinct - Communication in the Bedroom with local author and Intimacy Coach Stella Harris. It may not be the flashiest class topic, but it’s an incredibly rich resource full of awesome, tangible, relationship-altering techniques for talking about your desires, your touch practices, and your needs. It’s such a special and fun class that absolutely proves that all of us can learn new things, regardless of age and experience!

10. We don't like to think of our parents ever having sex after they conceived us, until we've reached our parents' age and realize, um, yeah, we're still having sex (or certainly intend to!)...What are some surprising realizations you (or customers) have found with a more sexually-supportive and body-positive customer base? What do you hope to carry over to the next generation?

A surprising thing we learn over and over is that there truly is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to sex, sexuality, or even gender! We love to learn from our younger clients, and we love to learn from our older clients, and what we learn repeatedly is that every single person is different. What a beautiful thing!

There are as many ways to experience sex and desire as there are different body types, and there are as many body types and variances as there are ways to experience gender identity and expression.

I hope that we continue to offer that lesson to future generations, and that as a culture we become more open, understanding, and celebratory of the vast range of experiences and identities that fall under the umbrella of human sexuality. We have so much to learn from and offer to each other!