Top 10 Rules for Women During Midlife
Raise your hand if you hate rules. Both hands if you know me so well you’re gasping at the notion I’ve even made a top ten list of them to accompany my menopause manifesto (aka My Menopause Stor . Still, while rules are not my style and you may agree many are made to be broken, stretched, or strategically interpreted, these are essential to lead a happy, healthy, and meaningful life especially at or after midlife.
No More Apologies
Many of us spend a good amount of our lives apologizing for meaningless shit. We often apologize for things we aren’t responsible for and sometimes as if for even exhisting. It’s ridiculous. And unnecessary.
One of the most liberating moments of my Awakening has been the realization that no, I don’t have to always be the initiator of apologies. I don’t have to say I’m sorry in order to deserve love and respect. Especially for someone else’s actions or behavior.
When we’re at this pinnacle we call midlife, we’re able to see how harmful some of our past behaviors have been to us and in turn have the opportunity to make changes to prepare us for the next leg of our journey. In ceasing to apologize unless we have actually said or done something wrong, we give power and sincerity to the times when we truly need forgiveness.
Besides, apologies should be saved for things you actually intend on changing or making right. Most of those meaningless ones, we either can’t change or have no control over anyway…
2. Find Your Peace (daily)
Our world can seem hard and cold and chaotic. But it’s really the people in it that have made it feel this way.
Peace is different for each of us - a quiet walk at day break, a meditation with a group of yogis, or a rocking music festival charged with love and hope and joy. Do the right thing. Whatever it is that brings you your peace, find it, shape it, own it.
Sometimes it feels impossible. Shit sometimes it IS impossible. But making the conscious choice to seek out what makes you fulfilled and at a homeostatic level, is what midlife is all about. It reminds you that the spirit needs to recharge and connect with the body - especially since it’s been on autopilot for so long.
This peace can mean so many different things to everyone. To me, it’s writing. My husband knows if I don’t get my 1-2 hrs of quiet and alone writing time, I snap. I’m no good for him, the kids, the dogs. And I’m especially no good for me.
Demanding that you get whatever your peace entails shouldn’t be an afterthought or a maybe. It should be your rite and damn it if there’s any time it’s most important to take back your rights and needs, it better be now!
Do the right thing. Whatever it is that brings you your peace, find it, shape it, own it.
3. Say what you mean (and mean what you say)
when it might be easy to say what we mean, it can also backfire when we don’t mean what we say.
It’s profound at how differently men and women speak and process information. Men usually say what they mean without much thought or care as to what you think or feel about their words. Yet women often go through the painful dissecting of every inflection, every adjective like it’s an undercover CIA mission to psychoanalyze their partners words.
But the funny thing about women and men at midlife, is how they slowly switch their roles bit by bit. Men soften with age: their touch, their tone. However one of the stereotypes women get at midlife is how curt and harsh their words become. How cruel and heartless they sound after years of being so particular and careful in language.
Is it true? No. Not at all. It’s more of a surprise to bystanders who’ve known these quiet and peacekeeping women that have suddenly blown up to become loud and outspoken balls of fire. Yet some of us should take note of the other half of that phrase - when it might often be easy to say what we mean, it can most definitely backfire when we don’t mean what we say.
This is probably one of my most vital rules I’m struggling to implement in my own life. I often cut the chase and tell my partner and kids exactly how I feel - wiped out, emotionally drained, and fed up. But I just as often don’t mean what I say - I’m not going to run away. At least not yet. And at times I’ll find myself making these grandiose plans of all the things I’m going to do to take back my life and reinvest in higher degrees of self-care only to back pedal and not fully execute them for one excuse or another.
What’s important is to make certain you voice your feelings and views in such a way that you mean it on all sides. There doesn’t need to be perfection in your delivery, but there does need to be certainty. If you say it because you mean it, be ready to follow through hell or high water…
4. Get Busy (stop dreaming. start doing.)
Menopause and midlife are no joke. They’re fire alarms confirming that while carrying physical life is no longer in your wheelhouse, your emotional, mental and spiritual sectors are gestating thousands of ideas to be grown and birthed into being.
Now it’s essential to stop dreaming and talking about all the shit you’ve wanted to do but didn’t because of some distraction or worry. It’s the time to start doing the things you set out to accomplish or at the very least FIND the things that feed your inner fire.
There’s no more of a powerful and seductive woman than one during midlife.
Finding a purpose might seem like the hard part, but once you do the real quest becomes in plotting out an achievable plan and then executing it. Middle age is when the clock starts ticking. According to the midlife laws of nature and nurture, you’ve had the time to gather the tools and learn from experiences, so any nanosecond wasted moving forward is on you.
Get out there, do your thing. I believe in you. The Universe believes in you. You better damn well believe in you. Now…Get. Busy.
5. Find your village
In high school and college I had a lot of male friends - arguably more than female friends. At some point leading into adulthood though, my mom gave me some sound advice: get some really good female friends; you’ll need to lean on them in ways male friends won’t be able to understand.
In the past 20 yrs, I’ve watched my circle grow and shrink, but some of the most constant ones have been my sisterhood. They’ve been my lifeline. When I hit 40 and felt I was spiraling into a death trap, the only friends that fully understood my state were other women. They got it. And more than anything that’s what I needed, validation as much as relate-ability so I didn’t feel so ostracized and crazy.
Still, as I’ve pushed through this past year, I’ve found some friendships ebbing and flowing and the need to cast a wider net. I’ve had a hunger for a village where I feel like “my people” coexist and gather and that’s where Midlife It came from: a hope and dream.
Maybe you’re here for the same desires and needs but if not, there are still so many places to visit and women that are seeking their community and circle of fellowship. Find yours and hold it tight. No sense in wasting time with people you don’t want to be with or don’t fully embrace and accept you. Life is short. Don’t sacrifice an ounce of yourself for the sake of fake relationships…
Still waters run deep.
6. Polish and Purge
In the spirit of the new and improved self you’ve discovered, midlife can also be a wake up call about the people, places, and things holding you back.
Getting rid of stuff you don’t need or things that no longer bring you joy can sometimes be easy. Goodbye to items like clothes, accessories, household items, furniture, art - anything goes. But the same also applies to people that don’t support your goals or have your best interests at heart.
Stop investing in bare minimum. And stop settling.
Maybe you’ve felt compelled to prolong and build on the least stable relationships with family members, partners, and friends until this point, but now you may also have the urge to burn those bridges quickly and with a fervor. Stop investing in bare minimum. And stop settling. What and who you need most in your next act requires careful consideration so take your time. I guarantee you won’t be sorry.
7. Stop ranking
Note the quote:
“Girls compete, women empower.”
Once you’ve crossed the threshold into middle age, you should no longer give a shit what other women do or think about you. Those years of rating yourself against other women should and must end for good. Time is precious and shouldn’t have a lick of it wasted on the toxic neighbor, petty coworker, or any headlining celebrity.
Focus on you. Rank yourself against only you or what you want to be or accomplish in the remaining years of your life. No one else should matter moving forward. Their goals or physical appearance don’t affect you or your bottom line, so might as well reserve your attention and energy for only things that will help rather than hinder your future.
Maturity comes when you stop making excuses and start making changes.
8. Use the good china
No, I don’t mean exclusively the China you registered for before your wedding. I mean anything you’ve saved for a rainy day or for only special occasions: clothes, jewelry, make up. Go ahead, uncork that expensive bottle of wine you’ve been hoarding. Eat at that restaurant you’ve been dying to find a worthy cause to go to.
When we look at random collections of items we’ve put on pedestals over the years, by midlife we should realize we don’t know how many special occasions we’ll have left. So instead of waiting and letting the time tick away at our opportunities to truly enjoy the quality or attraction we had to these things we can’t take with us when we’re dead, it’s best to use them with reckless abandon.
“I’m so glad I waited to use the good China,” said no-dying-person ever. I doubt any of us will be an exception…
9. You’re better than the gap
One of my favorite scenes of the movie Crazy Stupid Love, is when Jacob (Ryan Gosling) slaps Cal (Steven Carell) across the face to remind him to be better than The Gap. Women are notorious for putting themselves in last place, buying the cheapest item on the menu, shelf, or rack.
Stop.
You’re grown now and hopefully can afford the option to spend the extra dollars on better quality items that last longer, fit better, and were actually made especially for you. And if you can’t - if your budget simply won’t allow it - find one thing that is 100% yours.
Maybe it’s a chocolate bar that’s higher priced than the Snickers or Kit Kat’s you’ve settled for. Or better yet, visit the high end retail shops and try on the items you’ve withheld yourself the right to sample or fit.
You too deserve moments of luxury and feeling beautiful, worthy, and enough in chic fashion. Your spirit knows this nugget of truth but sometimes you need to remind your body and mind of that too…
Women are notorious for putting themselves in last place, buying the cheapest item on the menu, shelf, or rack. Stop.
10. Be your own best friend
For over 20 yrs I’ve been on the hunt for a new best friend. One like a ride-or-die girl from my youth - that I could whisper secrets to with zer0 fucks given how foolish and embarrassing any might be. I’ve found many very close ones, but none consistently have checked all the boxes of a young or teen girl’s bestest, most closest friend. Until I heard a speaker talk about how hard it is to be grown and know in your soul that woman you’re searching for is already there.
She’s you.
All the women you’re around and engage with over the years are vital and most definitely teach you something throughout your journey, but when it comes down to it, you have only one woman who’s been there from the beginning and will be there till you gasp your last breath. You have to make peace with that woman now. Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, tell the woman in your reflection all your secrets, make her feel beautiful and good about herself. Remind her what it means to really live this life. And when she’s lost and feeling scared and alone, love her harder, deeper, and more than ever.
After all she’s only human. And needs to be ensured her investment in this life hasn’t been in vain…
Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, tell the woman in your reflection all your secrets, make her feel beautiful and good about herself. Remind her what it means to really live this life. And when she’s lost and feeling scared and alone, love her harder, deeper, and more than ever.
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