5 Ways To Keep A Relationship Strong In Midlife
When Melinda and Bill Gates filed for divorce, the media had a field day. What happened? How could one of the worlds wealthiest couples call it quits after 27 years of marriage, 3 kids, and legendary projects and philanthropies in the wing? But the truth is, the Gateses aren’t much different than a lot of 50+ year-old folks that are dissolving their marriages and joining the midlife divorce club also now known as “gray divorce.”
So why do people divorce? That’s a tricky question. While there have been many studies and theories, none have been conclusive because each relationship is so different and unique, it’s hard to devise a perfect formula. And with menopause and divorce there are even more variables at play.
Still, there are many ways to keep a relationship strong, and with the right tools we can patch the holes and build stronger, more meaningful ones during midlife.
“A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.”
Communication
Remember when you were five and someone asked your favorite color? You probably didn’t hesitate to blurt out “blue” or “purple.” It was definite and shameless, because at that moment of your life you knew exactly what you thought and wanted, and believed to be true. You communicated clearly and effectively. With good communication, couples in established relationships have fewer challenges communique-wise. But menopause can be a minefield even for healthy relationships, and if there’s always been an elephant in the room when it’s come to talking things through, menopause and midlife will only make that elephant bigger, louder, and harder to ignore.
During menopause and midlife we often find ourselves Awakened to a newfound source of contention with our silenced voices. We stop settling and acquiescing just to keep the peace. We want change and we want it now, but sometimes our hormones and scrambling minds keep us from sharing the what and how part, and leave our relationships floundering. It takes two to contribute to a successful marriage. So both communicating what you need from the other is crucial. Maybe it’s more time to yourself to think and be your most authentic you. Or maybe it’s more time together because the kids are gone and you need to reconnect to see if the sparks are still there. Either way, if you’re committed to being strong enough to be open and honest about the things you don’t like in your relationship, you should be equally committed to finding solutions or more things you do like about each other together. Especially if you want to prevent past problems or issues from reoccurring.
Maybe it’s more time to yourself to think and be your most authentic you. Or maybe it’s more time together because the kids are gone and you need to reconnect to see if the sparks are still there.
2. menopause and Sex
Ask any family lawyer, mediator, therapist, or counselor. They’ll confirm that differences in sexual appetite and lack of emotional intimacy are one of the leading causes for couples to call it quits. And during menopause a lot of changes in your body and thoughts associated with sex can vacillate drastically day-by-day. Whether it’s too much, not enough, infidelity, withholding, erectile dysfunction, menopausal dryness, or bodily changes that have made physical attraction decline, it’s still important to talk with your partner about your feelings and sex drive now more than ever.
Remember that old expression “if you don’t use it, you lose it?” In midlife it’s especially true.
One of common struggles with sex after menopause is the change in vaginal tissue. Once thick and wet, due to the drop in estrogen and testosterone levels, the walls can become thin, dry, and less flexible than before. But luckily, there are some great products available to help. Like specialized lubricants (i.e. MoonMaid Botanical Pro-Meno Wild Yam Cream), topical estrogen, a clinical therapy device to increase blood flow to the vagina, or in extreme cases, prescribed medication to keep your physical faculties well oiled and in tip-top functioning order.
However there’s also the sexual side effect of having a lower libido. Coupled with menopausal symptoms like sleep disturbances, anxiety, depression, and stress, sex might not be a priority anymore. But for most, it still should be. Remember that old expression “if you don’t use it, you lose it?” In midlife it’s especially true. Men in their 50s, 60s, and 70s who aren’t sexually active are more prone to suffer from erectile dysfunction. And as for women? Additional anxiety, stresses, memory loss, and compromised immune systems are just a few downers.
Some ways couples combat these hurdles of midlife sex (or lack thereof), is exploring uncharted territory. Checking out erotic films, books, or renewing foreplay together can be great ways to change the landscape in the bedroom. Or, extending oral sex, trying new positions – especially ones that feel most comfortable for your changing vaginal walls. But ultimately, along with communication, it’s important to have fun. Since reproduction is likely off the table now, it can be extra spicy to know that all the sex you want moving forward is about pleasure, connection, and exploration in yourself, your partner, and the adventurous direction of your relationship.
3. finances
Sadly, finances, or more specifically differences in how they’re handled, are often reoccurring themes in divorce (41% of the causes for Gen Xers and 29% of Boomers). Sometimes it’s due to one not making enough or the other spending too much, but ultimately it’s about communication. Most relationships start off in debt, that’s inevitable these days. However, the big discussions, such as how do you plan to get out of debt or what are your long-term goals financially, can prevent some of those big conflicts from even surfacing.
Talking about how you plan to downsize, save, and spend your golden years now can not only strengthen the security of your bank accounts, but the next phase of your relationship too.
Addressing financial issues like mismatched financial priorities, credit card debt, financial infidelity, overextended budgets, and loss of financial control might be topics that should have been covered early on in a relationship, but now, during midlife, they’re more crucial to withstand monumental life changes than ever. Retirement may also seem too far away to envision, but like menopause’s surprise knock on our doors, it’s sneaking up on us faster than we think. Talking about how you plan to downsize, save, and spend your golden years now can not only strengthen the security of your bank accounts, but the next phase of your relationship too.
Planning and preparation is key. Discussing the when and how each of you plan to leave the workplace in order to really delve into checking off those bucket list dreams help establish what your financial freedoms are going to look like. Will you have enough to outlive your savings? When is the right time to retire? And most importantly, do you have enough in savings and 401k’s to even consider retirement? These are hot topics for sure and have the power to stir up some unwanted conflicts, but if you both are focused on the same end-goal, it can be a new and exciting adventure you’ll appreciate and love knowing you did this together, as a team.
4. kids
Maybe the kids are out of the house and you’re experiencing empty-nest syndrome. Maybe they’re in high school and are about to fly the coop. Or, maybe you started your family later in life and are finding yourself struggling with parenting a crew of youngsters while coping with menopause. Regardless, many couples struggle to reconnect or find strategies for honoring and nurturing romance over forty. But that doesn’t mean your relationship is lost and passions are only smoke and ashes.
Now, it’s more important than ever to make the time and put your relationship first. Date nights may sound corny or a past time of your courtship, but they don’t have to be repetitious or constantly ramped up bigger and better. Simply doing something together that doesn’t revolve around or have anything connected to your children allows you to focus your attention 100% on each other. Get to know the new and improved human beings you’ve become. Or, surprise one another by doing something different and exciting – like taking a cooking or dance class, or do something wild and go skydiving.
And while having kids (at home or off living their adult lives) certainly gave you something to talk about and do during the earlier period of your relationship, looking beyond the parenting years and deeper in your connection with one another can be spicier and give you (and your nosy neighbors) something else to talk about.
5. The Unknown
One of the most frightening things about midlife isn’t all the signs and symptoms of menopause or midlife crisis. It’s the things you don’t know. As children and young adults it was easy to predict what to expect in our next phases of life: legal ages to drive, vote, drink, graduation benchmarks, careers, marriage, kids. But then what? What happens after all the boxes are checked and there’s a big block of time between adulthood and senior citizen?
The unknown during midlife is scary. It’s different for everyone and it doesn’t matter how picture perfect your life may have been. Midlife is more like orientation for freshmen at college: everyone there is nervous, a little afraid, and at some sort of life crossroad. Except this time, if you’re in a healthy relationship, you’re not completely alone. You’ve got a partner.
Embracing midlife’s unknowns with someone you trust and depend on at your side can be reassuring. It can remind you that someone’s got your back no matter how crazy the upheaval of your life feels. And, it can also add an exciting, new dynamic to your relationship. Talking about things you may never have shared with each other like dreams you’ve had to put off or let die, or any other topic you may have kept under lock and key before, can now be exposed because, well, the Unknown is out there. Might as well talk about the things you do know, at least so far.
What happens after all the boxes are checked and there’s a big block of time between adulthood and senior citizen?
Anyway, midlife and relationships don’t have to end up as publicized or dramatic as Melinda and Bill’s. In fact, they don’t have to end at all, if you’re both willing to put in the work. Relationships aren’t built on fantasy and dreams of forever honeymoons. They’re built on experiences, lessons, sweat, and a lot of tears. And menopause and midlife are just there to remind you what pieces of your life are worth working hard to keep. Especially strong marriages.
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