Sex and Midlife
Recently, my husband and I were talking about our “first time” together. We chuckled at how young, excited, nervous, and self-conscious we were. The whole memory was funnier than it was romantic.
Over the years sex has changed. What once was all about immediate gratification and confirmation we still “fit,” has evolved from a baby-making schedule to an occasional date-night, and sometimes even an “if I’m not too tired” weekend finisher.
It’s hard. Prioritizing sex as something we need versus something we want, can often feel more like a job than a fun cardio alternative. But midlife has surprisingly helped blur the line and made it become a little of both.
Sex has changed.
Communicating more frankly has allowed us to stop going through the motions on autopilot and start having sex more often and with more vigor than ever. In our twenties we did it often and had fun but we still had our egos to tend to. I couldn’t imagine telling my then-boyfriend what exactly I wanted him to do with his mouth. But now? We talk. Before. During. After. We don’t make a fuss about skirting around the issues. We just get to the point and tell each other what’s working and what’s not.
“Never forget that you have every right to have a satisfying sex life. ”
Occasionally, signs and symptoms of menopause get in the way though. Vaginal dryness is a real thing and as much as I want to say it only flares up when I’m not in the mood, that’s simply not the case. I can start as a luscious oasis and morph into an arid desert for no reason aside from my hormones. We’ve adapted though. A great lubricant I can’t rave enough about is Moonmaid Botanicals ProMeno Women’s Wild Yam Cream. It’s saved my sex life so many times, I feel like I could be a spokes person for it (if the makers would only read my blogs!).
However, when I talk to women, I often get two polar opposite opinions about menopause and sex drive:
Sex is over rated. It becomes less and less a priority with age.
Sex can get better with age, but beware, do it or lose it.
Interestingly enough, studies prove the latter to be truer.
“It’s a myth that women don’t want sex as they age.”
CNN, September 2020
It’s comforting to read that scientists and medical professionals are following women’s views on a topic that often is only attributed to be a masculine trait. But who says sex is all about men and their needs? We like sex too. I like sex, damn it.
So, when I’m not in the mood but my husband is, I’m presented with the decision: pass or partake. Usually, I choose the latter, but as I’m learning, that might be because I’ve actually enjoyed sex throughout most of my adult life. I’ve been blessed and privileged and lifted to experience the almighty orgasm and why the hell would I want to lose access to that glimpse of nirvana?
Truth? A lot of women – over 50% - haven’t been so lucky. Sex for some has been a mere obligatory means to an end. Another job, task or chore. But didn’t these women masturbate? Didn’t they know they could get off by stimulating their clit or g-spot or (gasp) both?
When I was a teen, I was curious. I explored myself well before I invited anyone else to. But the art of communication took a lot longer – we’re talking decades longer. But at midlife I reached my breaking point in the bedroom: how the hell could I consider myself an equal participating partner if I wasn’t going to be honest with what did and didn’t work?
What would have happened if we knew sex was better at midlife?
My husband and I started talking more openly and frequently about sex. We laugh at our past immaturity and balk at the idea of reverting back to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Neither of us wants to be in our 60s and calling sex something we used to do. Hell, if nature allows, we’ll be those old farts that get reported for chronic hip-issues in the nursing home.
Life’s half over. Cut the bullshit and say what you mean.
But what we’re most grateful for is menopause, my awakening, and our newfound appreciation in communication. Goodbye fuss and worry about “hurting the other’s feelings.” Midlife gave us one clear message: life’s almost half over, so we better cut the bullshit and really say what we mean.
Imagine what could have been if I’d have known midlife and menopause was going to give us a better sex life. Screw all my mopey days when I found out I was perimenopausal. Bring on the mood swings and night sweats.
And while you’re at it, pass me the lube…
Share this: