My Insomnia and Menopause
Before motherhood and midlife, sleep and I had a love affair. We’d curl up together for hours of afternoon naps and long, passionate nights of dreamless slumber. We were meant to be, me and Sleep, Sleep and me.
Then I got pregnant.
Since my first, sleep has never been the same. It’s like it found a new younger, freer lover, and I’m not the “it” girl anymore.
After the awkward positions with a pregnant belly, periodic nausea, and frequent pee breaks that kept me awake at all hours of the night, sleeplessness shifted its blame to the newborns, the toddlers, the growing pains.
Then, just as my youngest was starting to realize that no, he wasn’t missing out on any parties or raves at midnight, 2am, or 3am, menopause and insomnia settled in.
Sleeplessness, the uninvited visitor that never left.
I’m surprised insomnia hasn’t sent me into a psychosis yet.
On average I get about 2 solid days of quality sleep a week. This usually happens not consecutively, but at random and as a result of several back-to-back sleepless nights. I’m surprised I haven’t had a psychosis episode yet. Has my body developed a tolerance of minimal hours of rest? When I say minimal, I mean 3-5 hours tops.
Coming from a person who used to relish in her 9-10 hours, this is torture. But it seems to be enough to keep me from passing out when I drive the kids home from school. It’s enough to set my brain and body to autopilot and not light the house on fire or forget to dress myself. But when it comes to being 100% awake, 3-5 hours just isn’t cutting it.
Most nights I fall asleep without much trouble. After dinner and getting the kids to bed, I’m wiped by 8pm. Once I’m in my pjs and under the covers though, chances of having much more than a yes or no conversation with my sedated self are slim. But between the hours of midnight and 2:30am, we could talk about anything.
Did I remember to add butter to the grocery list?
What’s the weather forecast for the weekend?
Oh no, I forgot to respond to yesterday’s email!
I wonder who else is awake on Facebook.
Or, maybe I should brush up on my current events and read the news…
I know, screen time is counterproductive when it comes to remedying sleep deprivation and insomnia, but after 2-3 hours of all other failed attempts, few other alternatives are on the table at 3am.
It’s never the same thing that stirs me awake, but usually the same series of events follow once I’m up: I wake and reason with myself that no, it’s not morning time yet. Then, I toss and turn to no avail and practice a few breathing exercises or mental mantras for an hour or two. At some point I take at least one pee break, rummage through my bin of herbal alternative supplements, return to bed, toss and turn some more, drink some tea and resort to reading and endless scrolling on my phone.
I know, screen time is counterproductive when it comes to remedying sleep deprivation and insomnia, but after 2-3 hours of all other failed attempts few other alternatives are on the table at 3am.
For the longest time I didn’t even know what insomnia or sleep disturbances were or that they were considered so common. Usually only seriously disturbed characters in movies portrayed it so I guess I didn’t consider myself an at-risk candidate.
My grandma started sleeping on the couch when she was in her late 40s/early 50s. I can’t remember the exact age but I remember it being around her midlife. I was still young enough to regularly wake before the sun came up.
I’d sleepover and set off to find her at 5am only to discover her exhausted body curled under a blanket on the couch in an otherwise dark den staring half-mast at the flickering screen. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with her or even took a beat to ask if she was okay. To my innocent and oblivious self, she was just like me: an early riser.
Now, I totally get it. She had insomnia. And since her midlife journey through menopause, she probably suffered from not getting much quality sleep either.
I frequently revisit and apply my sleep tips.
To be fair though, I’ve made a conscious effort to combat insomnia through all the alternative therapies. I frequently revisit my sleep tips. Sometimes they work like a charm, particularly when I’m so tired, I line up my pre-sleep plan of attack like a neurotic bingo player with a carefully selected array of trolls and good luck charms. Other times I just get a light, barely dozing nap.
Every site and medical journal I’ve read has stated that this symptom of menopause is normal - the hormonal decline in estrogen production is a big part of the reason for sleep disturbances. And though using Hormonal Replacement Therapy (HRT) or Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) might help, insomnia is supposed to be like my periods and subside over time.
But when, I’d like to know. Once the last period passes and I’ve gone a year without one? Is that the final test or threshold a woman must pass in order to earn the reward of quality rest and respite?
Of course the more I read about it, the more exhausted I feel. Perimenopause usually lasts a period of seven to ten years. I’m not sure when I’ll pull the trigger and seek prescription or other doctor-approved options, but for now, this is the hell - I mean world - I’m living in.
I miss my moonlight lover - Sleep, you sexy devil. Don’t you remember our scandalous nights together? I promise I won’t disappoint if you decide to come back to stay.
You know we were meant to be, me and you, you and me. Oh my precious, sacred, full night of undisturbed sleep…
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